one word: vision
The obvious connotation of the word “vision” is something in the future, a looking forward to what you would like to see. But I find that I spend much more time looking back. I guess that’s the 20/20 vision? It’s not that I live in the past — because, honestly, my past is not a happy place for me to visit, much less live — but I do ponder what has come before. I use the events and decisions of my past as touchpoints in my life, lessons that help me make better decisions today. I measure my current self against the wreck that I used to be so that I can gauge just what is good and what needs work in my present days. My vision extends no further than this month (and sometimes no further than this week!), and though no one has ever understood how I could be so short-sighted, I truly believe this is how I’m meant to live. Even Jesus said that tomorrow would take care of itself. And I believe Him and know that God does His work in me on a daily basis, instructing me in the current steps and not in my future path.
In these difficult days I find myself relying more and more on God’s vision instead of my own. I’m so thankful… so relieved… that He knows what lies ahead of me and doesn’t allow me to know too much too soon. I can’t handle that. I’m no good with far-off situations. And I’m a procrastinator who does her best work under pressure. God knows this, and He waits until the very last moment to reveal anything about His plans for me. And this excites me! I live in anticipation and expectation of His good work! But I don’t seek out clear vision. In truth, I’m physically near-sighted, and God’s incredible sense of humor is present in how He has made me just as near-sighted spiritually. I’m comfortable with that, with visions of today and yesterday but not of tomorrow. It keeps me guessing, yes, but that seems to be the fun of it. And I can almost see God smiling in those moments when He decides to open my eyes to the tomorrows. It has to please Him that I get so excited by the suprise. I know it pleases me. Because my God is El Roi, the God Who Sees, and I can trust Him to lead the way.